Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Getting back to me.

Since the busy-ness of the Christmas season, I've been sucked into a vortex of chaos, stress, work-in-progress mess, morning sickness, and exhaustion. When I find myself in these situations, I tend to just kind of "get through each moment"...and I don't realize until later that I've forgotten things. Like to take pictures, or reach out to certain people I meant to, attention to myself.

I've been concentrating on surviving the individual day, forgetting about a lot of things that matter, and being a version of myself that I don't enjoy.

I mean, I haven't read a book since FEBRUARY! I haven't enjoyed coffee since then, either. I haven't really tapped into my creative juices. I've left my Etsy shop to kind of hang there in limbo, lamely waiting for an order to come in - failing to promote it in the least. I haven't taken a single glance at the bucket list of things I want to do with my boys during the upcoming fair weather seasons. I've just been.......getting by.

And I miss the old me. The one that got lost in a new book every week, and took time to write and sew and color. I miss the me that was obsessed with decorating this house to look like a shabby chic dream. I miss thrifter me. Garage saler me. Party planner me. Excited just to be alive, me.

As mothers, I know that we often put ourselves aside for our children, and that is certainly some of the story to be told, here. I've been transporting my guys to school, and gym class, and now T-ball. I've been trying to take them places to make their days special - like playgrounds, or out for ice cream, or visiting loved ones. But I've also had to kind cart them around to things, too. I've been bringing them along to get the groceries, endless around-the-house necessities at Target, gifts for holidays and birthdays, doctors appointments, and more. And in all of this moving and doing, I've realized that I've been concentrating on the survival of it all, rather than the enjoyment.

I have my downtime - during naps, and sometimes when we have a day off from going somewhere. And I have done a few things for me - but again, it's all been for my sanity. An escape from reality through a sitcom or a soap. A few minutes of busying my hands and quieting my mind while I crochet. But that's really about it. I haven't been seeking enjoyment, fulfillment, peace, happiness, and gratitude. And if there is one word that I want to echo through everything else I do - it's gratitude.

Some things have to give, and I get that. I'm not trying to say that I want to spend my life busying my kids so I can go after all of my own endeavors. That's not who I am, either. It's that I've created a system of living that has no balance. And some of my usual enjoyment is simply setting up things for my kids to enjoy, and then sitting back to soak it in while they do, or lending them a hand to show them how to push their ideas further. That's who I usually am. Instead, I've been strapping on their shoes and sitting in a chair on the patio while I watch them chase a ball together, or slop around in the water table, or smack golf balls around the yard. And I'm not saying that I'm against autonomy, or sibling play, or figuring things out on their own, because I think every child needs a dose of that as well. It's just that, I'm usually more hands on than that. I suppose I get certain allowances for feeling sick for the first half of the day - a truth that I hope wears off very, very soon - but I'm getting to the point where this imbalance of survival and things to do is no longer enough for me.

I think that sometimes, we just need to realize that we've fallen into these ruts, and then take steps to remove ourselves from them.

How do you balance life?

1 comment:

  1. I struggle with balancing,too. I try to pencil in the things I want to do into my to do lists. I open my calendar for the week and see that I scheduled a blog post a month ago for this week, I force myself to relax by doing this.

    Good luck!

    Amanda Rose