Tuesday, November 12, 2013

GD Diaries Part 4: Sometimes I'm Bitter

This post is part of a series on Gestational Diabetes. The posts were written in August - October, but are just now being published. While I was too upset and conflicted about this situation when I was first dealing with it, I want to share my experiences with other moms that may go through something similar. Check back for another installment every Tuesday! You can catch up here: Part 1 | Part 2Part 3

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I have tried really hard to see the silver lining in my GD diagnosis, but sometimes I can't help but feel angry about it. And I realize that I'm probably jumping the gun in a lot of areas because I haven't even seen the specialist, yet. But that is also part of the problem, I think, because I'm on my own here. I'm doing the research and making up a menu as I go along, and stumbling my way through it. I've been happy to take on the task, because as soon as I go to the specialist, I'll have to start testing my blood sugar all day every day for 10 weeks. And I'm really not looking forward to that. I know it's really nothing in comparison to everything I'll go through in the hospital, but...it sucks. I don't want to stab myself in the finger multiple times a day. It doesn't feel great! And doesn't it get sore? Or scabby?

In some moments, I'm worried. I fear that this went un-diagnosed for too long and my pancreas or my baby will suffer the consequences. I fear that my doctors somehow missed it in my previous pregnancies - even though that fear usually fades quickly, because I can tell a distinct difference in the way I feel this time vs those times. I fear that maybe some of this has been going on my whole life, or that it won't go away once I give birth, and I am so scared of that being true - even though I know it's probably not. 

And in some moments I'm just plain bitter. 

Matt is a really fantastic husband, and anytime I have to (or chose to) change my diet, he's happy to join me. But he hasn't changed 100% (and that's okay). My kids haven't had to change at all, really. And everyone around me seems to be hard-wired to eat exactly the way I cannot. Which makes it so much harder to feel happy about it. I don't have a problem sticking to the diet, because I am fearful of what could happen to my baby or to myself if I don't. But having to see other people eat at their every whim is making me lose the joy in it. When I go on weight watchers post-baby, that's a choice. And it's one that I know will result in me looking better, and fitting into my clothes better, and feeling better about myself. It's not the case this time. It's basically like going on weight watchers when you're 7 months pregnant and practically DYING for some chocolate chip cookies the way only a pregnant woman knows how, but also being terrified that they will cause serious damage if you indulge in them and then having to watch your family eat them and hear their "mmmmm" sounds of satisfaction while they do. And I don't get any physical rewards out of the deal for putting up with it. I'm not dropping pounds or inches around my waist any time soon!

It's not just other people that I get bitter with, though. It's my fate. It's the fact that I have to do this at all. I mean - WHY? I know, I know, there are far more terrible things that can happen in a pregnancy, and it's very first worldly of me to say this at all, but it really sucks. It sucks to have to think about every single tiny bite you put in your mouth - does it have too many carbs? does it have enough protein? what kind of protein could I pair with this? Sometimes I just want to eat cherries without having to chase it with cottage cheese or something! It sucks to have to plan meals with precision. It sucks to have to think of snacks days in advance and then space them out over days on end. It sucks to have to make time to eat every 2 hours, especially when you're out somewhere and end up seeming like a pig because you're always eating. It sucks to have to skip dessert every single time. It sucks to have to use plain creamer or plain milk in decaf coffee (blech). It sucks to have to skip fruit every morning, and avoid many fruits I love all together, and to not be able to drink anything other than water or unsweetened iced tea. It sucks when you decide to indulge in something for once in a really long time, only to stress your way through it because you don't know when to stop or how much you can safely have. It sucks to never turn to convenience foods when you're in your third trimester and you have two exhausting boys at home. 

IT REALLY SUCKS.

And I'm going to boo hoo about it for 5 minutes, because if I don't, it will turn into anger and frustration that I channel onto the people I love, and I don't want to do that. It's not their fault that my body isn't able to keep up. Heck, it's not my fault either. It's just the hand I've been dealt, and I'm really angry in some moments that I have to deal with it at all. And I know..."comparison is the thief of joy" and all that, but when I look around me - I don't know anyone else that's had to deal with this! This kind of thing always happens to me! I'm just wishing for a break for once! Isn't it bad enough that my body has been destroyed? That I have a hernia? That my ab muscles will never be the same? That I'm covered in stretch marks? That I can't seem to conceive a girl? That I have to deal with such terrible, all-consuming, long-lasting morning sickness? That I'm always anemic? I could go on, you know! But I won't, because I will get utterly lost in my wallowing, and that's not what I want to do. I just want to put it out there that while I try to remain positive, I get bitter, and angry, and jealous. And in some moments, it becomes really hard to deal with. And that scares me, because I haven't even seen the specialist, yet! I don't know what kind of diet he's going to be put me on, or really even how much I will hate the blood sugar testing - or even if I'll be able to control it enough to avoid meds or insulin (though I could probably tolerate meds as long as they don't make me sick). And then I'll still have 10 weeks of it all to get through before I have any chance of it getting better. And then what? How long post-baby will I have to keep testing and monitoring my diet so closely? It could get so much worse. The fear is certainly fueling the fire. 

I never knew that this would be such a process. I guess maybe the fact that I've already been emotionally delicate this pregnancy doesn't help. I feel like every time I turn around, I discover a new feeling I have about it. I really hope this settles down before this pregnancy is over - I feel like I've gone through this emotional turmoil over so many different things through this pregnancy. It's exhausting.

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