Monday, December 10, 2012

Nick Mom: Why it Will Fail

A few months ago (or really, it could have been a year ago, my sense of time since becoming a mom isn't entirely accurate), Nick Jr. added this....I don't know....feature (?) to its night-time programming that was marketed and made just for moms. When the commercials first started, Luke, my 3.5 year old....was PUMPED. I know, right? He was SO THRILLED that his most beloved channel was going to have something special for ME! He would shout, "MOM! Come on! You have to see this!" anytime they had one of their "we totally get you" commercials, and he absolutely insisted that I watch it at night. He was totally jazzed.

I never intended to actually watch it, because it seemed way too gimmicky and annoying. Just like the bajillion Mommy memoirs out there talking about how much they suck as a parent, but it's okay, because they love their kids. (That's what blogs are for, people. Don't make us buy that.) However, one day after watching a DVRed Team Umizoomi that had clearly finished at the end of their child programming the previous day, I saw a bit of this....Nick Mom.

Not only was it the sort of funny that is so forced it's not even a little bit funny, it was embarrassingly raunchy. Like...a 13 year old throwing out swear words just because no adults are around to hear it, embarrassing. I turned it off after Luke's first "GASP, They said a bad word!", but it was more about the......this is lamer than lame factor, that I decided that 5 minutes would be my last and only viewing.

I had no idea until I started writing this post, that there are armies of moms out there protesting Nick Mom. I mean, look at this... cancelnickmom.com is a thing. An angry thing. These moms are mad that there's a bunch of profanity on what is a kid's channel by day. And, whatever, I guess I get that...but I also think these mama-armies out there need to get a new hobby. They're fighting everything from people saying "damn it" in the wrong place, to the fact that one of the kindest, most giving celebrities in existence is the spokesperson for a big-name department store just because she happens to be married to a fellow woman....(because, ya know, she smears her homosexuality allllll over her endorsements).

I, for one, am not angry about the profanity. I definitely try to keep my kids from hearing/saying anything inappropriate, and yes, there's the chance your recorded kids shows could have a few minutes of this mom-filth tacked onto it, but I think the real problem is....why are your kids up that late?

Okay that's not the real problem. It's none of my business. But seriously, we can point fingers all day. If you don't like what's on the TV, change it. THE ONLY THING that bums me out about this programming being on at night, is that there's nothing on to watch with your preschooler when he wakes up a 1am barfing his brains out and can't get back to sleep. But even then, there's DVR, and we have a library of Nick Jr shows, his favorite episodes, no less, to get us through that. So it's really kind of a non-issue. You know what else sucks, though? The fact that there are commercials now (I assume because of the latest Viacom money battle), and while I'm glad they don't happen during shows, Luke is always trying to get me to shop at Kmart and get a subscription to ABCmouse.com, now. And ya know, 3 year olds are persistent little things.

(Well played, Viacom.)

Perhaps the angry mom mob will take Nick Mom down, eventually, but I think it's failure will be based in something else entirely.

The commercials for Nick Mom talk about how we've all entertained and cared for the kids all day, and now it's OUR turn. I believe they even say, "It's your time!". I don't think there's a mom in history that won't respond with some form of a HELL YEAH, but here's the thing, Nick.

IF WE'RE READY TO HAVE A BREAK FROM WEARING OUR MOM HAT, WHY ARE WE GOING TO WATCH CRAP ABOUT BEING A MOM.

Seriously.

When my kids are warm and snoring in their beds, I don't want to be Jenn the mom anymore. I don't want to think about it, or cry about it, or even laugh about it. I want to be Jenn the wife, Jenn the crafter, Jenn the avid reader, Jenn the friend, Jenn the movie enthusiast, Jenn the 28 year old with a bit of youth and style and freedom left. And I'm sorry, Nick Mom, but even when you aren't talking about poopy diapers and spilled coffee, you fail at all of that.

Why would I watch that, when I could watch the hilarity that happens between the sexual tension of Nick & Jess on New Girl? Or the total, ridiculous, fantastic escape from reality of Once Upon a Time, also filled with sexual tension...between Snow White & Prince Charming (uh oh, look out, are moms going be mad at me for appreciating a real relationship between fairy tale characters?). Or the fierce competition and drama on Dancing With the Stars....plus the sexual tension between Kelly & Val? Or the die-resurrect-die-resurrect pattern mingled with sexual tension of General Hospital (which yeah, replays at night on Soap Net, during Nick Mom's time slot).

Sorry, Nick Mom, but I wouldn't. I don't want to laugh about how your kid peed on you. I have my own babies for that. Your marketing proves my point. "The kids are in bed, give yourself a break. From being a mom. By watching other people talk about how funny they are because of being exhausted from being a mom. Because, ya know, you're only a mom."

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