Friday, May 25, 2012

Morning Coffee Date: Already Missing My Babies

I am a sappy mama. I can't even tell you how many times I've found myself in hysterics over watching my babies grow or go through a new phase. Bittersweet moments absolutely overwhelm me. The entire week before Henry was born, my husband would find me in various corners of the house - bawling - because I was I was horrified over the change I was about to impose on my Luke. Logically, I knew he'd grow to love being a brother - but I'd gotten 2.5 years alone with my first sweet guy and it was just so hard knowing I was about to rock his world.

So I guess it should be no surprise that I ended up weepy again this weekend. But this moment kind of crept up on me. I really expected it to hold off for Henry's birthday in July...though I'm sure you'll find me oozing sentiments then, too.

If you're a nursing mama - you know - your cycles tend to stay away when your little one nurses full time, or nearly full time. I think it was slightly extended for me, because my Henry hated any form of solid food until 8.5 - 9 months. He's only reduced nursing enough in the last month or two for my cycles to kick back into gear. And rather than get into the gory details, I'll just tell you - my old frenemy Aunt Flo returned for a visit this weekend after staying away for 10+ months. And with her came the weepies.

Oh, I know the best of us get a little moody when 'ol AF visits - but I was consumed by it on Sunday. After blubbering my way through a bunch of silly non-issues all day, I finally hit the root of the problem. I was SAD about having my cycles back - and only a little bit because it was SO NICE never having to worry about it. I was at that level of sadness because I realized - Henry is on a long slow path to no longer needing ONLY ME. He's taking his first chubby baby steps towards independence. He's almost a toddler. Like, a month and a half away from being a toddler. How? HOW?!

My Big Newborn

Wasn't it JUST yesterday that I saw his sweet chubby face for the first time? That I realized what a tactile creature he was (and my suspicions of such when he was in the womb were true)? That I wondered if he'd have the same silly tongue-sticking-out quirk as my dad, since he was doing it moments after birth? That he latched on for the very first time - nursing enthusiastically like a professional - gazing at me with unconditional adoration and gratitude? Wasn't it?

So this morning, now that a bit of clarity and sanity has returned to me and the hormones have ebbed a little - I sat with my morning coffee, sifting through the pictures of his very early days. I remembered the moment when my boys met each other - how Luke studied him intently for a few moments before gently reaching over to kiss him. I remember how hard it was to hold it together at that moment - how wonderful it was to see my Luke after just a day without him. How much my heart swelled. How much LOVE had just come into my life.

My boys meeting for the first time

Over the last 10 months, I have gotten to know my sweet, squishy guy - and I have fallen deeper in love every day. And while I know we've still got some time, I am so sad to think of how quickly this time has gone and how quickly it will continue to go. I don't want him to stop smelling like baby Henry. I don't want him to stop nursing. I don't want him to lose his desire for me over everyone else in the world. I don't want him to lose his silky, chubby rolls. But it's all happening... a little at a time.

Don't mistake my sentiments for ingratitude - because I am so overly thankful for my boys - everything about them. Even the bittersweet moments. These happy-sad emotional outbursts are the moments I KNOW I will remember and cherish all of my life. They have given me SO MUCH. And while I don't think motherhood for me stops with these two (God willing!), I wish I could slow time down - just a little a bit. I just want a little more time to cherish these sweet, silly humans I've been blessed with. I just want to bottle their baby scents like perfume so I never forget the smell. I want to remember exactly what it's like to kiss their bouncy cheeks. I want to remember their laughs, as they are now. Because I already miss these things - knowing they are so fleeting - knowing how very much is in their futures. I will love them every step of the way, but I will always miss my babies.

Henry looking up to his big brother Luke kissing Henry

Linking up for coffee at Rags To Stitches today!


  1. All of these pictures are just so sweet - your boys are adorable! :)

    Stopping by from Alissa's coffee date link up! Happy Friday!

  2. What a sweet little family! Stopping by from the Networking Blog Hop...I am your newest follower! I would love if you would check out my blog and if you like what you see please follow back :)
    Modern Modest Beauty

  3. This is so cute! How sweet!

    Amanda Rose