Friday, May 25, 2012

Morning Coffee Date: Already Missing My Babies

I am a sappy mama. I can't even tell you how many times I've found myself in hysterics over watching my babies grow or go through a new phase. Bittersweet moments absolutely overwhelm me. The entire week before Henry was born, my husband would find me in various corners of the house - bawling - because I was I was horrified over the change I was about to impose on my Luke. Logically, I knew he'd grow to love being a brother - but I'd gotten 2.5 years alone with my first sweet guy and it was just so hard knowing I was about to rock his world.

So I guess it should be no surprise that I ended up weepy again this weekend. But this moment kind of crept up on me. I really expected it to hold off for Henry's birthday in July...though I'm sure you'll find me oozing sentiments then, too.

If you're a nursing mama - you know - your cycles tend to stay away when your little one nurses full time, or nearly full time. I think it was slightly extended for me, because my Henry hated any form of solid food until 8.5 - 9 months. He's only reduced nursing enough in the last month or two for my cycles to kick back into gear. And rather than get into the gory details, I'll just tell you - my old frenemy Aunt Flo returned for a visit this weekend after staying away for 10+ months. And with her came the weepies.

Oh, I know the best of us get a little moody when 'ol AF visits - but I was consumed by it on Sunday. After blubbering my way through a bunch of silly non-issues all day, I finally hit the root of the problem. I was SAD about having my cycles back - and only a little bit because it was SO NICE never having to worry about it. I was at that level of sadness because I realized - Henry is on a long slow path to no longer needing ONLY ME. He's taking his first chubby baby steps towards independence. He's almost a toddler. Like, a month and a half away from being a toddler. How? HOW?!


My Big Newborn

Wasn't it JUST yesterday that I saw his sweet chubby face for the first time? That I realized what a tactile creature he was (and my suspicions of such when he was in the womb were true)? That I wondered if he'd have the same silly tongue-sticking-out quirk as my dad, since he was doing it moments after birth? That he latched on for the very first time - nursing enthusiastically like a professional - gazing at me with unconditional adoration and gratitude? Wasn't it?

So this morning, now that a bit of clarity and sanity has returned to me and the hormones have ebbed a little - I sat with my morning coffee, sifting through the pictures of his very early days. I remembered the moment when my boys met each other - how Luke studied him intently for a few moments before gently reaching over to kiss him. I remember how hard it was to hold it together at that moment - how wonderful it was to see my Luke after just a day without him. How much my heart swelled. How much LOVE had just come into my life.


My boys meeting for the first time

Over the last 10 months, I have gotten to know my sweet, squishy guy - and I have fallen deeper in love every day. And while I know we've still got some time, I am so sad to think of how quickly this time has gone and how quickly it will continue to go. I don't want him to stop smelling like baby Henry. I don't want him to stop nursing. I don't want him to lose his desire for me over everyone else in the world. I don't want him to lose his silky, chubby rolls. But it's all happening... a little at a time.

Don't mistake my sentiments for ingratitude - because I am so overly thankful for my boys - everything about them. Even the bittersweet moments. These happy-sad emotional outbursts are the moments I KNOW I will remember and cherish all of my life. They have given me SO MUCH. And while I don't think motherhood for me stops with these two (God willing!), I wish I could slow time down - just a little a bit. I just want a little more time to cherish these sweet, silly humans I've been blessed with. I just want to bottle their baby scents like perfume so I never forget the smell. I want to remember exactly what it's like to kiss their bouncy cheeks. I want to remember their laughs, as they are now. Because I already miss these things - knowing they are so fleeting - knowing how very much is in their futures. I will love them every step of the way, but I will always miss my babies.


Henry looking up to his big brother Luke kissing Henry

Linking up for coffee at Rags To Stitches today!

3 comments:

  1. All of these pictures are just so sweet - your boys are adorable! :)

    Stopping by from Alissa's coffee date link up! Happy Friday!

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  2. What a sweet little family! Stopping by from the Networking Blog Hop...I am your newest follower! I would love if you would check out my blog and if you like what you see please follow back :)
    Modern Modest Beauty

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  3. This is so cute! How sweet!

    Amanda Rose
    http://sewmuchtosay.blogspot.com

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